Hypothetical Question...
Is it possible to love - and I mean be in-love, not just friendship love, or family relation love, I mean really really soul-deep, warm-n-fuzzy feelin', achey-breaky heart, pot o'gold at the end of the rainbow, hit me like a sledge hammer when I walk in the room, heart skips a beat kind of love - with more than one person?
Thoughts?
Maybe you can enter the same question on your blogs and we can do a broader survey? I'd be interested to see what people have to say, and how it splits between men and women.
posted by Suthnuh at 9:40 AM
9 Comments:
For ME personally, I don't think so. At least not in my experience so far. But that's just me. I'm such a black/white person, that when I feel those kinds of feelings, everything else just falls away for me. Even little crushes can take over some times. I'm just not mentally equiped to deal with the poly thing. BUT, some of our dear friends (Sam? Don? care to comment?) find it works for them, and I can completely understand that they ARE wired that way.
Soooo, what do you think?
6:50 PM
I agree with biscuit. I'm not wired that either, but I think some people are.
8:39 PM
Hmmm. What an interesting question. The answer, for me, is yes... and no...
Doesn't that help?
Don is the love of my life, my passion, my partner, my mate... he brings me so much joy.
So why the hell do I have a boyfriend, why am I "poly," why have I caused this amazing human being so much pain over the past 4 months?
I don't know. It's a part of who I am, but so is being a good wife to Don.
He's actually really doing well about the whole poly thing, and we're going to a swing club this weekend to "play," but I'm in a down spell and really doubting myself. Part of it may be a reaction to the familial criticism, part of it could be the whole holiday malaise, part of it could be fears for Kelly, part of it could be caving to societal pressure - how can I be a Girl Scout leader or a CAC board member as a polyamorous, sick, twisted whore? Some people in my little town don't think that's a cute pet name.
Ultimately, we have to be true to ourselves, and surround ourselves with people who accept us for who we are, and love us, despite our differences. Trying to fit into the box society would prefer us in can lead to a lot of pain.
I know Cheryl... and Jennifer... and Pam... and Kelly... aren't into multiple partners, but I also have no doubt that they will stand beside me and be there for me, and Don, no matter what (probably just short of murder).
If you're really serious about this, join some polyamory Yahoo groups. Check out this site : lovemore.com Don started studying polyamory intellectually in order to come to grips with all of it.
Geez, I feel like I've hijacked your comment section... I'll put up a post for you. But in the meantime, if you're feeling this way, do some research in areas that will be supportive, not the mainstream areas that will tear you down and tell you you're a bastard for having these feelings.
Bottom line - I don't believe a marriage has to end if you love your spouse, even if you have feelings for someone else. It could be hell for a while. But, if you love, really love, your spouse, then it's worth going through hell to save the marriage, especially when children are involved. Most things in life worth having involve a fair amount of sweat equity.
Oh, was this a hypothetical question???
Go ask Sue!
10:31 PM
Uh, I'm also not mentally equippppped to spell correctly today. Splitting a bottle of wine, staying up too late, having a panic attack in the middle of the night, and trying to comment on blogs at 6:50 in the a.m. will do that to a person.
12:22 AM
My comment started to get ridiculously long. So go see my blog - I made a little postie for ya! -Suz
12:51 AM
I would answer "yes" but with the qualifier that every relationship has its own unique identity. New "love" has an energy like no other (in polyamorous terms it is so prevalent that "new relationship energy" is often abbreviated NRE) -- the wellknown "honeymoon period". But love is not a finite thing -- showing more love for another doesn't necessarily diminish the love already felt in a long-term relationship. Of course, this assumes that the long-term relationship is good and healthy. If it isn't then that is the problem -- not the new love.
Hope that helps some.
Don
11:39 PM
Chris, if experience is any teacher, then the answer is no. Our body chemistry (the NRE that Don mentions) is designed to make us love one person above all overs.
But that body chemistry only lasts maybe 3 or 4 years, by natural design. That is, after all, just how long it takes an infant to become relatively mobile. Everything you get after year 3 or 4 in a relationship comes from a person's willpower and commitment. That's not to say you can't feel genuinely in love with someone after 3 or 4 years. It just that you have to make a conscious choice every morning to be in love with that person and to not give room to someone else to knock them out of that sole niche in your heart.
That's just me...
And agreeing with Jennifer and Cheryl, I don't have any issues with Sam or Susie going a different route. I love them both and want to see them happy. If this makes them happy, then go for it.
-Kev
12:29 AM
I have to agree with Kevin about the biology of NRE. Except the studies I've seen say that it lasts for about a year, then it's up to you. Love is a choice. But that's true whether you love one person or three.
If you let it, NRE will sweep you right out of love with someone you've been with for a long time. However, if you go into a new relationship knowing that's possible, you can put the brakes on, get your head back together, and get real, just like you did with recent mutual experience. In the end, I think it boils down to intent. If you have the intent to put the brakes on, you will. If you don't (even if you just never thought that far ahead), you won't.
8:25 AM
hmmmmmmmmm.... I say yes and no as well. I think it is POSSIBLE to feel that way... but the heartache and guilt that ensues, at least in my case, makes it not the best choice..
9:34 PM
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